absolute shitter

It really has been a crap week for me literally. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy and if you haven’t had one of these medical procedures then my advice is don’t be in any hurry to get one (But if your doctor instructs you to then do it, it could be life saving).

Quite apart from the fact that having to have one means you have health issues which need investigating inside the nether regions of the bowel, the buildup to this procedure is horrendous.

My instructions began with at 6pm open carton and remove dose one sachet. Pour contents into a 500ml container, stir until dissolved and over the next half hour drink it. It tastes disgusting, very salty and sickly although at least there’s a little flavouring in it.

Once that’s sculled, you down another 500mls within the following 30 minutes, in my case that was a mix of apple juice and lemonade.

Then once you’ve done that, just sit back and wait for the massive explosions that follow. First your tummy rumbles, it reminds me a bit like the rumbling before an earthquake, you know it’s coming but your’e not sure how big it’s going to be.

It’s like standing at the mouth of the Wairau River mouth in Blenheim whitebaiting as the tide rushes in, it just doesn’t feel as though it’s going to stop.

Well on the second rumble I make a mad dash for the toilet, covering the 10m to our bog from the lounge in a couple of seconds, just in time and as I quickly take my place on the throne, BOOM, BANG SPLAT, all hell breaks loose, Mt Vesuvius erupts, well a smaller version. As quickly as it starts, the flow stops and back I go to the chair, albeit a little sheepishly.

Minutes later, more rumbling, another mad dash and again just in time and sit down and away we go again, even more disgusting discharge. This process continues for a couple of hours, where the heck is all this fluid coming from. It’s like standing at the mouth of the Wairau River mouth in Blenheim whitebaiting as the tide rushes in, it just doesn’t feel as though it’s going to stop.

I get a bit of sleep thankfully, then up at 4am to take dose two sachets A and B, yes that’s right two of the fu….s this time, double dose of this disgusting drink which I swear would clear a blocked drain.

Same process, drink 500mls, followed by 500mls of apple juice and lemonade then it’s nil by mouth until my procedure due at about 8am.

Even once at the hospital, I still had to dash three times to the bog to unload what by now was almost a clear liquid coming out my butt which felt as though someone had set it on fire. By now the liquid looked much like a good Marlborough sav wine in appearance, although obviously smelling and I’m sure tasting a lot different.

Then the good part, t’s dress up time. Whitebait netting hospital underpants, a flimsy gown that goes on backwards, a ridiculous looking paper hat. Once that’s all on I’m on the bed with a drip put in my hand, in goes the anaesthetic and I’m out to it. Gonnnnne

I wake up half an hour later completely oblivious to what’s happed but it has happened, shit has happened and the procedure is over. I can finally drink the lovely cup of tea and sandwiches the nurse brought to me and pretty soon I’m picked up and taken home to convalesce.

Don’t get me wrong, this procedure was necessary and if your doctor said you need to have one, have it because it could well save your life, but this one’s not a lot of fun.

Comedian Billy Connolly had one some time ago and the way he explained his was so hilarious I just about fell off the couch laughing. Enjoy the video that follows.

Have a great weekend folks and here’s hoping your week is full of good shit.

Words by John Alexander **A colonoscopy is the best screening test available for colorectal cancer. It is the only screening test that can detect many colorectal cancers.This test helps to save lives it is important to have regular checks.

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